The years before 2014 I was making bad choices and decisions. I don’t wanna blame it to having my heart broken so many times and into so many pieces because it actually made me stronger and hopefully wiser than I was before. It was probably because I don’t know who I was. I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for.
How I see myself
I had always have a very low self-esteem. The world (or should I say, I allowed it to) made me think I was ugly. I was fat (I still am, by the way) and I thought it was a big contributor as to why I wasn’t being noticed. I envy all my friends who would easily find a partner, and I would secretly get mad at friends who would take advantage of their beauty to gain and play with many different hearts at the same time.
I was considered intelligent, having graduated from the University of the Philippines and being very good at what I do, but not so bright in choosing what’s right.
I was fighting with anyone who would get close to me. I would break away from good friends. I would push away family. I just felt so unhappy, but I could not figure out what would make me happy.
I would throw myself away to people who would fake interest in me (these are people who would be nice to you just so they could use you). I would spend money trying to buy attention from people who do not even have an ounce of care for me. I wasted my time and effort with people whose own lives need fixing. I thought helping those people who are not even making an effort to change themselves would make me happy. I was so desperate for their attention. I was looking for my worth from them. I let myself be used and abused. It made me emotionally exhausted, but I could not stop because I thought being with them would make me whole.
I was filled with so much negative energy, but I could not let it out. I was afraid to tell the good people around me because I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn’t use the brain that I was born with to solve my problems.
I tried to forget by drinking… A LOT! I would drink bottles of brandy and beers every night with friends whom I would pretend to laugh with. I would get home in the wee hours of the morning and go to work very early almost every day.
It took a toll on my physical health. Mind you, I was probably already emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I was diagnosed with a fatty liver, my kidneys are starting to fail, and I had infection almost everywhere. My body started to become weak, which made me hate myself more.
I don’t know what pushed me to change. But, I am guessing being sick and afraid of dying without any love left for myself prompt me to think differently.
Towards the end of 2013, I planned to start getting to know myself and to do that I had to focus on me and stop looking after other people. I gradually broke away from toxic relationships, including friendships that were formed for a long time but were actually dragging me down. I moved out and found a place where I could be alone and to meditate. I actually didn’t believe that I could do it since depending on those people who have surrounded me for quite some time was a habit that was difficult to break.
I decided to make 2014 my year for traveling because I’ve read that it could help free your mind. I actually started this website so I could share my travel experience. I had planned to make 12 trips in 12 months on that year and make it into a blog project. Although, I became very busy at work that I wasn’t able to find time to finish my other posts, but I did finish my 12 trips (which I would slowly share these coming months), in 12 months, and most of them were solo travels. It really did help me get in tune with myself and find out what I really want.
When I was younger, I would aim to be thin. I would take drastic measures to feel beautiful (like drink slimming pills that aid in destroying my kidneys). But that year, when I decided to enroll myself to a gym and follow a healthy lifestyle, it was because I wanted to be strong for my travels which would usually include mountain climbing and surfing. At first, it was just lifting weights, plus some occasional Zumba classes. But, it got a little boring for me. It was hard to make something a habit if you don’t know what to do. So, I enrolled in a boxing class where my coach would try to push me to my limits. The footwork training actually helped me in balancing myself on a surfboard. I actually lost a lot of weight after a year. I felt healthier, too (despite asthma, allergies, and scoliosis, which are all manageable).
Also, I decided that 2014 would be my last year at work. I wanted to expand my horizon and grow a bit more. I love my teaching work very much, but the world was becoming too small to allow growth. While searching for opportunities abroad, which I did find at the end of the year, I joined in a lot of activities at school to fully experience the year.
Financial freedom also became part of my goal. So, I started saving and making significant investments that I’m sure I would reap in the future. I also cut down spending on things (and people) I don’t really need. Since then, I never really felt that struggle in the last few days before payday, because I would always have enough saved.
Not Looking for Love
Lastly, I stopped looking for love, for a potential partner. I started to become happy on my own, whether someone would come along or not. I felt lighter physically, emotionally, and mentally without all the excesses baggage around me.
2015 did look great for me, except for that one slip up at the start of the year (some bad baggage do have a habit of returning in your life), but I got away from it unscathed. 2015 was a completely different year and for a completely different post.
Did I get to know who I am? Yes! I don’t depend on anyone to be happy anymore. I now run after the things that would actually benefit my growth in all aspects of my life… and that, folks, makes me very happy.
I hope you have picked up some valuable lessons in my story and I pray it would help you in your own journey.
I would really love to hear from you, send me a message and I might be able to help you. 😉